Merry Christmas :)

Yay! Merry Christmas everyone! :)

I'm up early because I'm making a pasty to bring over to Seth's house later tonight for dinner. :) This will be our first Christmas together. Last year I didn't get to spend it with him... I was only dating him for about 6 months then. But now that we've been together for 1½ years, my mom is letting me spend some time with him :D I'm super excited about today! I love this time of the year, and I love seeing my family. HEHEHE!!!!

M-E-R-R-Y -- C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S-!

Christmas ALREADY!?

Man, this year went by soo fast. I remember when it was just summer.. And now it's already then end of the year! Then my birthday is coming up afterwards in January... Ugh, I'm going to be 23!! AHH!! >.

In other news... Things are well.

Things are great with Seth and I.

Just three more days till Christmas!!

~♥

There's this ache in my heart...

That I'm not sure will go away. I can't stop thinking about how much it hurt when I read that message. :( I'm still really hurting from that. Everytime it crosses my mind... I just want to kill myself. It upsets me a lot, I may not show it... But I'm on the edge right now.

You touch the deepest part of me
The places I could not save
Just tell me why I'm so dark inside

~♥

I woke up crying...

Well.. Almost.. I woke up this morning and went to use Seth's computer because I couldn't sleep any more.. And when I turned on the screen I noticed an instant message from that girl he talked to when him and I had a really bad argument when he was in Hawaii. The things she said in that message immediately made me cringe. I was upset, I was pissed off, I was trembling. I asked him if he was still talking to her and why was she saying those things. My immediate emotion and reaction was to cut myself. I never feel that way, or it's been years since I wanted to react that way almost immediately when I felt sad. It triggered something deep down inside, I couldn't control myself... :( Seeing the way she talked to him made me wonder what he said to her to make her respond back that way... And when I asked him what he said to her, he just replied I don't remember... It bothers me a lot. I know he remembers.. I'm sure he's not going to tell me. Things like this make me really upset and hard for me to trust people... It hurts to think about it... :( I'm hurting inside. :*( He doesn't understand that pain, that pain that I have experienced before and once again.

I should have seen those signs all around me
But I was comfortable inside these wounds
So go ahead and take another piece of me, now
While we all bow down to you

~♥

What if...

He said yes... I wonder how things would be different.. Or would they be?

Yeah.. Everyday.. I wonder when he'll ask me. *sighs* Stupid I know... I'm just being ioehrfokshnelkgn....

Well, things are great. No fights or anything.. Just us getting along and being together. I've actually seen him about 3 weeks straight. It saves my sanity. He is my sanity.

I love him. *sighs again*
He's so good to me. :)

What would I do if I didn't have you?

~♥

Music makes me dance

In the privacy of my own room ;)

I just want to dance, dance, dance...
~♥

Too Much Food...

I am officially obese.

Gotta work tomorrow morning at 5am!
Good night moon.

~♥

OMG.

I'm tired. Seriously.

Just two more days of work... Fucking a...

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!! Woo!!

~♥

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving is almost here!! :O! That's so fast. Don't you think? I remember when it was just barely summer time and now it's almost Thanksgiving!! >.o

I think we're having turkey and the whole thanksgiving thing going on... I'm really looking forward to the Chinese sticky rice my aunt makes every year =^.^= It's the best. Yummy!

Two days till Turkey Day!!

~♥

I think I deserve something...

Good. I just think that... I've been a good person and have been doing good things... I think I should be rewarded in some way... Some time... Some how... Soon? o.O? Blah! I'm just rambling.

Well anywho. I just got home... Worked from 7-2:15pm ish.. I was supposed to be off at 1:30pm but it got waaaay too busy for me to leave.. I'm not that type of person to just leave when I'm scheduled to. If I see it's still busy and there is no one to available to help the customers, I'll stay till it clears out. I just don't feel right leaving everyone with a hell of a lot of shit to do.. And barely anyone there to do it. -.-

UGH!!!

I need a massage :(!

I need a good nights rest tonight!

~♥

Yay, The Weekend!

I'm so happy the weekend is here!!

Finally get to rest... Seth and I are going to visit his dad out in Stoneyford. (sp?) Going to watch some home movies/videos of when Seth was younger =^.^=! I'm excited!

Just cleaning up right now.. Going to leave... Hopefully before sunset.

Happy Friday!!

~♥

I'm going to hell for this...

I gave in... Ugh.. I'm upset yet relieved.. More so upset.

Porceline bowl + me = bad :(

I know I know... I've been doing so well. And That's why I'm soo upset with myself. :\ It's probably really bad right now because I'm at a low weight right now and when or if I eat... I freak out and I do stupid things.. I'm not as bad as before. I'm not that sick. And I won't let myself get there. *sighs* Sorry... :(

Shoot me, I deserve it.

~♥

The Holidays are overrated.

It's always the same thing. Why so much hype? o.O

Maybe I'm just a grump about it :P

Maybe I need more presents! ;)

Maybe I'm just crazy.

Presents make me happy :)

~♥

Good Morning Saturday.

I'm sleepy. I slept a good eight hours... I never do that. Feels nice :)

Going to SF to visit my grandpa.. He's super old... And not sure how much longer he has :\

~♥

I'm such a good person...

I think... I hope. o.O

I swear.. If I wasn't raised to be honest, loyal, trustworthy, nice and genuinely a good person... I think I'd be such an asshole. Why am I bringing this up? It just crossed my mind that I bend over backwards for my boss. She's an amazing person and has helped me through a lot. And I'm pretty much returning her the favor by staying at work for an extra hour or two after I'm supposed to be off... Or coming in on other days I don't work just to help her do some side projects... Why am I a good person? *sighs*

I hope something really good comes my way soon.

~♥

This is what I look forward to everyday...

Getting off of work!!! >.<

I swear I look at that clock and just hope for it to skip an hour... That has gotten worse. Like a lot worse. -.-

I would love something sweet right now.

~♥

Mmm?

Raspberry~lemon flavored iced tea

YUM.

~♥

This is what my Friday looks like.

Don't ask. I got off work at 11am and this is what I do with my spare time :)

Happy Friday!!! ~♥

Hello Wednesday

Worked today. It's really busy at this store. I like it. The time flies by soo fast :) I love work, Milette makes it's rediculously fun and tolerable. I've got it good, for the work situation at least.

In other news, I've been so stressed out that I didn't even realize I lost another 5lbs. I'm down to 100lbs. I'm not even trying to lose weight, if anything, I thought I was gaining weight :\ Oh well, it'll probably be gained back soon. Bleh.

I'm exhausted. My back has been killing me since last friday... I think I pulled something :\

RAWR.

~♥

Sweet November Ashes

At the end of every year, there's this feeling that lingers... A feeling of disappointment or even emptiness. These feelings have been conjuring up since January, and it's not the first time. It's every year. At this time. This exact time.

I ask myself why? It's because I wasted another year. I did absolutely nothing that could possibly benefit my future. *shrugs*

I'm just blabbing. Anyways, I find myself in a predicament. When am I not in a predicament? Need I say more. I don't know what to do with myself this coming year. I want to advance in the company, but I'm almost afraid to... I mentioned it to my manager... But I think the thought of me actually becoming successful is a little overwhelming.. So new opportunities, I tend to shy away from.. :\ Lame but it's true, I'm scared. That's sounds aweful coming from me, but it's the truth. I also want to go back to school, but go back to school for what? I don't know what I want to study and learn.. :\

These thoughts are never going to become something I'm going to actually act on. This sucks..

~♥

All eyes on me...

The idiot.

I feel like an idiot, moron, jackass, dumbass, lame, a loser... Etc..

It's been bothering me since. And I don't think it'll go away... I don't even think it'll go away when he asks me. It's almost like I want to say no to him if he ever asks me.. So I can make him feel like the way I did. :\ It's stupid and irrational but it's how I feel right now. I'm disappointed and sad. I'm depressed about it.

To make things worse... On Halloween, Seth and I went to his good friend's place to hangout and have dinner. His friend Andrea asked us if Seth and I ever thought about marriage. I wanted to say everything but yet everything in my head just disappointed me. I told them that I asked him and had a whole plan of having the ceremony in Hawaii... Andrea was in awe. I don't think Seth ever wants to hear about those things.. :\ I get these feelings when I think about it.. And I'm sure they are dead on. Then they asked if we were going to have kids or whatever... The whole package that comes along with those types of questions... :\

So last night I had a breakdown... I don't know what I was thinking.. Maybe it was just too much for me when they asked about Seth and I... I want to forget about that day I asked him. :(

I HATE MYSELF for that.
I do.

And this morning... When he was getting ready to leave and making his coffee... I hugged him and whispered to him,"Happy 17 months." He hessitated just a couple of seconds and then processed that it was our anniversary. Hense.. Why I had been asking if he wanted to take the time off since he had been having a long week.. And I thought he might like to take today off and spend it with me.. But that didn't register till this morning. So too late for me. :( Once again, I feel like a jackass.

Shoot me.

~♥

4th Street is a calmer Fillmore

Strange to say. The store has that feeling to it and it's very noticable as soon as you step into the store. I like it. I really do. It helps to have Milette there. I'm glad she's my manager. She's awesome :)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

♥

Day 1 of Work in Berkeley

Was okay. I was a little overwhelmed at one point for the obvious reason.. I'm not familiar with anything in the store. I had to keep asking... :\ I hope I didn't come off as annoying. -.-

I should be getting ready for work...

ciao.

♥

First day at Peet's in Berkeley

And I'm nervous.

Really nervous... I hope they like me... I hate making new friends because I feel like I'm being judged when I'm around people that I don't know.. :\

Work is at 10am, and now that the bridge is falling apart I don't have to worry about it! Woo! What great timing that is. My stomach has been in knots all night and I've been having terrible nightmares :\ I'm just anxious and nervous about the new place... I know it's normal.. I hope?

Well, any who. Yesterday was fun, other than the sleeping in my boyfriends car for four hours before I met up with my good friend Eddy at 11am... O.o I love hanging out with Eddy, he's so carefree and loving. He's a great friend. I'm grateful to know him. :D We went to the Conservatory Of Flowers and walked around Haight. It was a beautiful day. Then I got to go home with the boyfriend and relax. Ahh. My life is okay right now.

Time to get ready for work. *sighs*
Wish me luck!

♥

I don't know what I want to do with myself...

I don't know if that's a good thing. I'm stuck right now. That's the biggest feeling going through my whole body right now.

I think I have soo many things racing around in my head about the things I'd love to do and the things I want to do. It might be a lack of motivation or I just don't know how to go about doing any of the things on my mind. :\

I don't know what I want right now... Actually I do... But I think I'm just overwhelmed by it. :\

So much going on right now... Ugh, I just want to rest.


♥

And the weight just adds on...

I like it when I lose weight... Well I'm sure everyone is happy when they lose weight.. But see that weight loss is not lasting... And it's getting me. REALLY getting me. I hate this feeling. It's not a normal feeling compared to everyone else... It's a feeling of being out of control... AnaMia is disappointed, I'm disgusted and it's just the beginning of a downfall.

Ugh this feeling is overwhelming.. All I think about is that.. Why? I hate it. I want to think about something else :\

>.<

♥

And then this feeling takes over...

I've been a little overwhelmed with myself.. Just the whole transfering to the new store with my manager and trying to keep my hours...

And also my weight has been bothering me.. More so because it feels like something I can control. I know I can't "control" it the way I want to be I feel like I have the most control over it. The other things I'll just have to work with and let them unfold on their own...

Ugh this feeling of being out of control and then guilt right after is too much. And there's nothing I can do when I already made the choice to do it and it just becomes a vicious cycle. Fucking vicious cycle. >.<

I'm mad at myself right now for eating bad.. I had the option to not but I'm weak... And I always give in! >.<

Fuck me.
Starting over tomorrow.

♥

Continued~ Something New.

So I went to Berkeley yesterday and met with my manager. We went into the store just to look around and pretend we were customers.. My boss wanted to get a feel for the store, people and staff. It was sooo different compared to Fillmore.

I'm going to miss Fillmore soooo much. :( Everyone at Fillmore is my family, I worked with them since day one.. The store is almost like my home, I really just started to get to know where EVERYTHING is.. And all the customers that I've become familiar with. :\ Just a little stressed and anxious about the change... I think I'm going to miss it a lot. :( UGH!! But this should be good for me. Something new.

Hopefully.

♥

Something new.

So today I went to Berkeley with my manager to check out the store we're going to be transfering to in just two weeks. It was interesting... I'll elaborate more later. Time for bed!

♥

Ana had me at hello.

There are days I feel like I've over come my eating disorder and there are days I feel like it's still got my literally by the throat. I can't lie and say I'm totally free because I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be totally free from it.

Like today... I was doing fine till I woke up with a small hunger pain... So I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs.. I immediately felt guilty. Why? I have no idea why. And days like this throw me off because I don't look at the nutritional labels on food for a reason... For the mere fact it drove me to insanity. I've gotten better and it doesn't bother me as bad any more. When I'm hungry... I eat. When I crave something, I buy it or make it and eat it. No fuss. But there are the days I feel guilty over the smallest things that didn't and haven't been bothering me for a while, but just all of sudden...

And this sucks because it starts an avalanche...

I did something I haven't done in a while and was not proud or happy about it at all... I binged a little and then purged. :( Once it gets this far... I feel like sometime I can't get out of it. I makes me nervous because I've been doing soo well. :\ I'm trying soo hard not to let it get to me but it's like a drug to me. Once I have it, just a taste of it... I want to do it more. :\

I get by everyday eating about one meal. Not much... I know I limit myself to that much because most of the day I'm filling myself up with liquids so I won't eat anything.. Then I wait till I get home and just have dinner. It's not good... I know. But at least I'm eating something. I use to eat nothing for days.. Even weeks. Just liquids. At my lowest point, I was scared of drinking water because it would give me water weight :( Stupid but true. I'm obviously not doing as bad, but it's still there. I feel like when things get too stressful, I resort to doing this almost immediately because it feels like it's the only thing that I can control in my life. (even though I'm not in control) Ugh. This sucks. I don't want to fight with myself again... But it always ends up that way. I can never get a break. Once things get good.. There's always something that comes back to haunt me.

Rawr.

♥

I love the little things he does :)

He made my day by coming by and visiting me. Someone knocked at my door and I had no idea who would be coming over at 1:30pm on a Monday.. o.O I didn't invite anyone, but as soon as I heard my brother say, "What's up Seth?" My day just got sooo much better :) I ran to the door and gave him a big hug :) I didn't expect him at all since he was supposed to be in Santa Rosa for two nights for work. But because of a mix up with some work tools... He had to pay a visit to a few local stores... And the great guy he is, he decided to surprise me and visit :) I bought him lunch and spent a little time with him. I feel soo good and loved. =^.^=

But.....

Seth hasn't been having the best time at work.. Well never does. He always feels like he gets the most shit from his boss than anyone else. That sucks, especially because I know what it's like working with his boss. :\ Like this work week, he has to take care of the technical stuff because the lead tech is away on vacation till tomorrow night. And so there was a mix up about where the lead functionality tech's (LFT) tools are and they are no where to be found. Seth needs those tools to do his job tonight but there was no way of doing it because he couldn't find them. He called and went to stores out of his way to look for them. Ofcourse the LFT is on hiatus, so he doesn't want anyone bothering him, understood. But this just sucks for Seth because there's no way he can get a hold of the LFT to get an idea where the tools might be. Seth has been up over 24 hours now and had to settle with buying the tools. The tools cost $200+, and this is just to save himself from getting shit from his boss. He gets enough already. I hope his night goes well.

He's such a good and honest man. I love him.

♥

My heart aches.

This happened on the Sunday that Seth came back home...

It was about mid-day. I had to use the restroom and I thought about bringing my cellphone in the restroom because we text each other sometimes if we're in there for #2. -.- So I grabbed my cellphone and went to the bathroom. When I got there I saw his phone sitting on the magazines. So I obviously couldn't text him. I thought I'd check his phone and see if he got all the pictures I took and sent to him while he was away...

...And to my surprise in his text message inbox I find these odd looking texts. These texts aren't from a phone.. They showed up as numbers as the subject.. And when I opened them up they were actually instant messages. These messages were from a girl. A girl that apparently has some feelings towards him. :\ The things she said to him make me cringe. My heart dropped and I started to hyperventilate. I read all of the messages, from what I could remember... There were four messages. I finished what I was doing and immediately went to him in the kitchen where he was cooking a late lunch\dinner for him and I. I asked him as calmly and collected as I could. The look on his face made me cry. I couldn't hold myself together. I fell apart. I felt like everything was a lie. My heart was crushed and all I can feel was emptiness. I didn't know what to think of it... Of him. Of the situtation.

Was I asking for it for looking through his phone?
Did I drive him to do that?
Am I not good enough for him?

All kinds of questions rushed through my head... I didn't know what to do other than to cry. Everything made no sense, I was coming undone the more I thought about it. He was standing infront of me, he wanted to console me, but I stepped away because I was hurt. I was hurt bad.

From that moment on, till now... My heart still aches. To think about him talking to another girl... And that girl talking to him as if she was his... My heart is no longer empty, it's filled with rage and anger. He's my man. I love him, I care about him, I asked him to marry me. He's mine.

All the effort I put into the relationship was not going to go to waste over some bitch that thinks she can get away with my man. Fuck no. The whole week he was gone for Hawaii, I tried soo hard to not lose my mind, and I think I did amazing. I wasn't in the best shape but I didn't lose my mind. I did what I could to distract myself and cope with the feeling of being alone... All that effort was not going to wasted... It was worth that much pain if I want us to work.

I told him, I was deeply hurt. We talked it out, and I don't hold it against him, but it did some permanent damage on me. No lie. From this day on... It hurts.. Still feels like that night... But I'm willing to push it aside and make the best of what I have because he tells me he loves me, I know he does. I feel it. I trust it. I trust him. I love him.

None of it would be worth it if I don't follow my heart.
I will marry this man some day.

♥

If there was a word...

That could explain how I feel now... It would be good.

After that week of pure chaos and misunderstanding, Seth and I have made a huge effort to really listen and understand each other. And this means a lot. I cannot explain how much stress it relieves from me knowing that he and I can sit down and talk to each other. It may not be a whole lot of talking, but it's something. Something is better than nothing.

There were a few bumps here and there, but they're all worth working through.

♥

Why I love him.

For the longest time I felt like I'd never be happy again. There were nights I'd cry myself to sleep because I was almost certain I'd die soon. My life wasn't the best for quite a while... I lost lots of friends, I've been cheated on, I've been verbal, physically and emotionally abused by a boyfriend, and I've been suffering from anorexia and bulimia as well as other psychological things. I had it rough, not like others but to the point I felt like it'd be better if I just ended it so the people that loved me and I wouldn't have to suffer any more.

Those days are 70% over. I've learned, grown and made huge life changes to get through a majority of my issues. I was never alone in this, nor was I forced. I have my family that loves and cares about me... And now, I finally met a man I feel has the patience for me and wants to help me through this.. Instead of taking advantage or using me for other motives.

He makes me feel like I can do anything and that I have hope. He gives me this almost supernatural feeling when it comes to fighting off unwanted feelings and emotions. I feel invinsable because he has faith in me. I'd do anything for this man and I never felt so alive and good about myself. I'm ready to take on the world.

♥

Takes a lot out of me...

It's not easy living my life. I may not have a lot going or it may not seem like it. But I have a whole lot of psychological issues that have put a damper on me almost on a day to day basis. I don't regret anything I did or didn't do. It was worth the pain and suffer because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I'm going to finish this later... Writters block.

♥

Argument free: Day 2

I want to say this is good, but I don't feel good about any of this.. It's still making me physically feel shitty. It gets me like a knife. Just a quick stab in the stomach when I don't expect it.

I feel the same. Indifferent. Oh so help me...

♥

Argument free: Day 1

What made my day today was the simple fact that he sent me a text, a text that I didn't expect to come in three days from the argument we had last night... But it came today. That text was a simple "how are you doing?" And that was enough because I did not expect him to talk to me. The argument was almost a sure deal breaker that he wasn't going to talk to me, but I was wrong. He proved me wrong that he made an effort to move past his habit of talking about it later. That's what I want to see happen, that I just want him to acknowledge me and make sure I'm okay.

I'm feeling okay now. And that's okay.

♥

This is why...

Cry... Cry... Cry you're heart out...
Because that's all you're good at doing.

Cry yourself to sleep because you're pathetic.

♥

I want this to just be over and done with...

Because it's making me sick. :(

♥

I don't know what I feel right now.

I'm not sure if I'm sad.
I'm not sure if I'm angry.
I'm not sure if I'm happy.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed.
I'm not sure if I'm frustrated.
I'm not sure if I'm overwhelmed.
I'm not sure if I'm okay.
I'm not sure if I'm worried.
I'm not sure if I'm anxious.
I'm not sure if this feeling is good or bad.

♥

I'm stuck in a lie, I mean a relationship.

I don't know what to do any more. I feel like we don't go anywhere if I ever want to talk about anything...

Fuck.

I'm so fuckin frustrated!!
I'm mad and annoyed and everything but happy. I'm almost on the verge of breaking it off with him. I'm tired of not feeling like a princess to him. He doesn't even want to protect me or make me feel like I can feel safe in his arms. :(

Forget it.

♥

It's true love.

So perfect together.

♥

When he says it's okay... It's really...

Okay.

And when I feel any doubt inside my mind that it isn't... I need to step away and tell myself it is, because it really is.

Out of the many days that I am doing fine, there are those days that I feel like I'm out of control. So out of control I become overwhelmed with fear and distress. And while I'm in this rut, I'm almost doubtful about the good.. But in the end it's almost always about him. Why do I always feel that way about him? Where does this unnecessary feeling come from? As far down as I can dig into my pea sized brain... I still can't find the reason to these almost obsessive feelings and emotions.

But there he is, the one I always see at the end of the long dark hallway. He's there, waiting, with open arms. But why does he have such an open and loving soul.. So patient and true.. It's almost to good to be true...

♥

I will be his and he will be mine...

I will marry him some day... And I hope that day will come soon.

♥

He makes my world go round...

I don't think I have ever been so in love. And by this.. I mean:

I can't stop thinking about him
He's the only one that can make me smile
I don't feel whole if I don't see him
My world crumbles at the thought of losing him
His eyes put me in a trance
His smile makes me blush
His voice puts me at ease
I can't function right without him
I dream about him every night
I talk about him all the time
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up

He's everything to me.

I love you Seth.

♥