Ana had me at hello.

There are days I feel like I've over come my eating disorder and there are days I feel like it's still got my literally by the throat. I can't lie and say I'm totally free because I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be totally free from it.

Like today... I was doing fine till I woke up with a small hunger pain... So I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs.. I immediately felt guilty. Why? I have no idea why. And days like this throw me off because I don't look at the nutritional labels on food for a reason... For the mere fact it drove me to insanity. I've gotten better and it doesn't bother me as bad any more. When I'm hungry... I eat. When I crave something, I buy it or make it and eat it. No fuss. But there are the days I feel guilty over the smallest things that didn't and haven't been bothering me for a while, but just all of sudden...

And this sucks because it starts an avalanche...

I did something I haven't done in a while and was not proud or happy about it at all... I binged a little and then purged. :( Once it gets this far... I feel like sometime I can't get out of it. I makes me nervous because I've been doing soo well. :\ I'm trying soo hard not to let it get to me but it's like a drug to me. Once I have it, just a taste of it... I want to do it more. :\

I get by everyday eating about one meal. Not much... I know I limit myself to that much because most of the day I'm filling myself up with liquids so I won't eat anything.. Then I wait till I get home and just have dinner. It's not good... I know. But at least I'm eating something. I use to eat nothing for days.. Even weeks. Just liquids. At my lowest point, I was scared of drinking water because it would give me water weight :( Stupid but true. I'm obviously not doing as bad, but it's still there. I feel like when things get too stressful, I resort to doing this almost immediately because it feels like it's the only thing that I can control in my life. (even though I'm not in control) Ugh. This sucks. I don't want to fight with myself again... But it always ends up that way. I can never get a break. Once things get good.. There's always something that comes back to haunt me.

Rawr.

♥