Merry Christmas Eve!

Can't believe this year is almost over. Soo much happened, the good and the bad... But I can't complain because  it's been a great year. I can't wait to start next year and I am so grateful for all the things that happened in this one. :D

Loving life, my family and my boy friend :3

The place is coming together.

So today is the day I'm going to get a couch... A couch from my boss! She offered it to me for $100 and I'm not turning it down. :P Plus she offered it to me before I even moved... And now she's changing her mind... But I'm not going to let that happen! I keep telling her that it's going to be mine!! x.x

Now, lets hope it doesn't rain!

UPDATE---- 10:28am
She just texted me... And she said she's not sure.. UGH. Annoyed.

Apartment bliss

I'm officially out of the nest as of two weeks ago! Woohoo! :D

The boy friend and I found a great place out in Walnut Creek. Still so excited and happy about it. Everything has been going well, just trying to get the place looking like a home. Furniture is slowly trickling in and we're finally getting mail in our mailbox! xD

I'm content. Things are going well. I can't wait to have Christmas here with my boy friend :)

MOVED!

I moved to my new place with the boy friend :D and i love it!!

Goodbye Summer

It's been a good deal of time since I last posted something...

The most dominant idea being tossed around in my head right now is about moving out. Seth and I have been discussing this for a little while now because of the horrible situation he is in at home. After going on vacation with him and being with him more, I find he's starting to stand his ground. I'm glad for him, he needs to step away from that awful dilemma at home.

We've been looking at apartments and housing. It's not something too far off of what he's doing now, it's just a matter of getting this whole process moving along. I hate to see this go on till Christmas. The longer it goes on for, the worse off everyone is. I'm really fighting for him and his freedom from his family's issues for good.

I know he's serious with me when he and I were looking at homes. I suggested at least two to three bedrooms and he replied back, "you know... In the future, when we have kids." I know that he's committed to me, I know I'm what he wants and is fighting for.. And this feeling is the most comforting feeling in the world. It makes me want to do anything and everything. He's my rock, he keeps me sane.

I'm really hoping this change happens soon, soon as in before the year ends. It'll be a great way to start 2011.

♥

Hawai'i 2010

Hawai'i was even more amazing in person :D

I had a wonderful trip =^.^= I plan to go back there again.

A Little Depressed... But I'm Pushing Forward

I've been having a few health issues lately and it's been bringing me down..

Usually when something is wrong, I tend fall back into other bad habits that promote unhealthy choices... Hence my eating disorder... Which then makes me more depressed.

I just hope this issue resolves itself...  :*(

I'm hoping and doing all that I can to make it go away while trying to keep everything together..

♥

*giggles*

You know what's funny to me?...

I cry because I'm pathetic... I cry about everything... Like...

~How I upset my boyfriend and that I fail at being a girl friend. 

~I cry because I can't fix things physically and some how it feels like it'll go away for just a little while longer until I cry again..

~I cry because I think about the time my boy friend resorted talking to another woman when he and I had problems... And I feel like he'll do it again.. Because I'm a piece of shit. (who wouldn't? it's okay, I've been cheated on... now I know why.)

~I cry because I'm the reason there's always a problem.

~I cry because I'm the reason there's no more romance.

~I cry because I'm weak.

~I cry because I'm an ugly piece of shit.

~I cry because I can't seen to do anything right.

~I cry because he probably thinks about other women.

~I cry because I'm not pretty.

~I cry because I will never be good enough.

~I cry because I can't just suck it up.

~I cry because I have nothing going for me.

~I cry because I can't make any situation any better.. Only worse.

~I cry because there's nothing else I find myself better at doing. :*(

♥

Oh How Beautiful You Feel When Your World Burns In Hell...

I feel like shit.
I haven't been sleeping much and I don't want to sleep when I am tired.
I've fallen back into my eating disorder and I have no control.
There's enough on my mind to tip the scale alone.

I'm depressed again. But not that kind of depressed. The kind of depressed where you don't know what to do... So you think and wait... And do nothing.

Is this the path I'm going again..?

♥

Two Year Anniversary!

Today is my two year anniversary with Seth :)

I've never been soo happy with someone. He's always there for me. He loves me to death and I love him with all my heart. I see myself being with him forever. He's the one that keeps me on my feet and helps back up when I fall into my depression. I never want to be without him. He's my world. ♥

I love him soo much.
I couldn't be any happier.
I never thought I'd find someone like him.


♥

HELLO KITTY & TOKIDOKI OVERLOAD

It's exactly what happened. I bought a lot of Tokidoki Hello Kitty stuff... I couldn't help myself.. I think I spent about $500 in the past month on that... >.< OIY!! I need to stop... But they keep coming out with more and more cute stuff!! EEEEEEPPPPPPPPP!!!... At least it's something I love.. Right? ;D

♥

I Secretly Hate Myself.

I hate that every time I look in the mirror... I am disgusted with what I see. I nitpick at everything on my body...

Lets start from head down to my toes...

1.) My hair is thin and not long enough.
2.) I have huge dark spots under my eyes.
3.) I break out and I pick at them which causes my skin to scar.
4.) I wish my collar bones protruded more.
5.) My breasts are too small... 
6.) Not enough chest bones show.
7.) Ribs are not as pronounced as they were when I was 10lbs lighter.
8.) I have turkey arms.
9.) My hands are always dry and ugly.
10.) My finger nails are short, stubby and house coffee grinds underneath them.
11.) I have fat on my stomach.
12.) There's a pouch of fat around my side-back area... (weird.. I know)
13.) My back bones don't show as much as the curve at the base of my neck.
14.) My hipbones don't show enough.
15.) My thighs are HUGE.
16.) I have bruises all over my legs.
17.) My calves are pretty big too and lack muscle definition.
18.) My ankles are weak from spraining them when I was younger.
19.) My feet are small and don't get me any where.
20.) My pinky-toe nails is almost nonexistent.

I can keep going, but I just thought I'd highlight the things that almost always bother me when I look at myself naked.

*sighs* This war will never end.... -.-"

♥

Busy Bee

I've been good lately. I've been keeping myself really busy with stuff around the house since I only work Monday through Thursday 5am-11am... I have tons of time to myself and I've been managing it pretty good.

Today, I've been cleaning since I got home. Still not quite done! >.<

I'll update in a little while.

♥

I Was Productive After Work For Once!!

Seriously... I washed my car again! Yay, I've been dying to actually... It's just we've been having some funky weather and it keeps raining whenever I actually feel like getting my lazy ass up to wash it. :P It's been exactly a month.. And since then there have been some nasty weather conditions that made my car look awful... I feel almost embarrassed when I drive a dirty car... Do you? o.O

Well I'm pooped. I hope I can sleep good later... *yawns*


♥

Mirrors Lie

When I look at myself in the mirror, I'm not sure what to believe... Do I believe what I see or what the mirror is showing me? It's hard to tell if what I see is an illusion that my eating disorder is creating or if it's the truth. :(

♥

Good Morning :)

I get to wake up to the most wonderful man in the world.

He made me an espresso in the cutest little espresso cup set and told me he loves me.

He's the best.

I love him soo much :D

♥

What A Nice Day :)

I'm off Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. I love it. Today is a really nice day, it's about 70º out. :) I thought about washing my car but I think I'll hold off for just a little bit longer... It's barely been a month.. Just bugs the hell out of me to see dirt on my awesome Aqua car ;D Haha.

Going to my second cousins birthday party tomorrow in San Francisco and then afterwards I'm going to dinner for my mom's side of the family as a Mother's Day dinner. And Sunday is still unclear about what's going on... Mom hasn't decided what she wants to do for dinner. Hmm... I bet everywhere is going to be packed... Sucks, didn't make any reservations before hand.. :\

*stretches* Just came back from lunch with dad, treated him out to some awesome sushi for a late Fathers Day thingy... I'm going to enjoy the rest of the day, going to hangout with dad for a little bit more and then see Seth :D

♥

Hmm....

I seem to be hovering around 100lbs.. I guess that's okay.. I wish I was lighter... But my boyfriend keeps an eye on me... o.O (out of love of course)


♥

I've been spending.... AGAIN!

I think someone needs to take all of my money away from me so i can't spend it... X.X

I'm not going broke or anything... I think I've been indulging a little bit :E

I just bought a couple of Tokidoki handbags:

I love it! I have the first one, just waiting on the second one to be shipped to my house in about a week!! ;D

♥

I Am Extremely...

Lazy. I feel like doing nothing... Really.

♥

$$$

I need to stop spending $$$... I think I have another addiction... >.<



♥

That Awful Feeling...

I feel down. Really down... I don't know what to do when I feel like this. The thoughts that run through my head are irrational and unrealistic. I hate myself when I feel this way. :(

♥

Planning Stuff...

So I've been buying some clothes... And a few other random things... I bought a couple of dresses on Ebay for the summer time and for my Hawaii trip :) I'm trying soo hard not to spend money but it's hard not to... I mean I rarely shop any more but when I do.. I can buy some expensive things... And in the end it's almost equivalent to me going to the mall every weekend. -.- (Yikes!)

Here are the two dresses I just purchased :D I can't wait to get them!

♥

Vacation

Seth and I booked our vacation!
We're going to Hawaii in August!!

YAY!! Soo excited! :D

♥

Is it wrong to enjoy pain?

I obviously cause pain to myself... And it makes me feel good...

I'm still really struggling with my eating disorder and when I'm feeling stressed it's the first thing to really show. I've been hovering around 100lbs lately and I dipped to 98/97ish last week. I'm out of control... I know. :\ I don't know how to get a hold of it... I've been better about it but that's only when I'm around Seth. I only really eat full meals when I'm with him and I nibble on stuff around my parents... :\ I know, I know, it's not good. At most I'll have two real meals a day which only happen on the weekend. So all together, I would eat approximately 4 full meals during a week. :( I eat nothing at work, I just survive on coffee and tea.

I don't know what I'm striving for... I'm doing this because.... I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's because I feel ugly, fat or just stress. I really don't know any more. I know I'm thin, my bones stick out everywhere. When I sit down, I literally sit on my ass bones... That's what I feel when I sit... And my chest is even smaller now.. I was barely an A-cup and now I'm less than that... That's really embarrassing. (not that I ever had a chest to begin with) :*(

It could be worse if I added running back into my life... I'm too weak to run... Thank god..

I'm lost inside. I ache for an answer to these problem... Yet my answer is in my hands.

♥

*Sighs*

I want to get married... :*(

Some day... I guess.

♥

Off for the day.

I called out sick b/c I've been sick to my stomach for the past few days... I ate something bad :( Not the best feeling. PLUS I've been having headaches really bad all week and yesterday was a taking it over the top.


Just got back home from a nice walk with mom. Just chatted about random stuff and enjoyed the freakishly warm weather... o.O Now I'm just waiting to for Seth to come home from work.. Might go out to dinner... I'm not sure yet b/c my stomach is still funky and I'm not sure if he wants to today or another day.


*yawns* I think it's time for a cat nap :3

♥

I'm Not Normal

I'm freezing right now. I'm freezing when it's 70 degrees outside. -.- That's just strange to me. I'm strange.

BURRR... -.-

And of course I'm craving a smoothie. >.<

♥

I Sometimes Think I'm Too Nice

I think I'm overly nice to other people and not to myself. I make too much of an effort for others and not for myself... For example... Work, I go to work at least a half hour to an hour early... Juuuuust to "relax" at work before I start. You know, to grab a cup of coffee... Riiiiight. I'm there to either count the tips or to help out if they need the extra help. So anyway, today, I was at work at about 6:15am when I start work at 7:00am... I get there to find that one of the openers didn't show up. So of course I offer to help out and start earlier.

And, now... I'm exhausted. Today was a long day, it was fine, but a long day. -.- I need a good nights rest tonight. Thank god I get to sleep over at Seth's house every weekend. :3 (he just got a new Tempurpedic Bed) =^.^=

I'm excited about fixing up his room this weekend. We started a huge project and decided to redo his room last weekend. So far he invested a handful for a newer, bigger and nicer bed. Then I got him an early birthday present, a new L-shaped computer desk :) Lots done but still lots more to do. >.<"

♥

Where am I going?

There's no direction in my life what so ever. So disappointing. :(

♥

Update

I don't really post any more... Too lazy to. I look at everyone else's journal.... But too lazy to post. I'm around :P

♥

I bought a new....

LAPYTOP! Actually, I never owned one before ;P

Woo!! Soo excited about it!!

~♥

Sure fire.

I didn't think I'd take the plunge... But I took the promotion.. I know my boss has been pushing it for a while and I finally gave in... I think this step forward is what I need right now since I don't really have anything else going on. Maybe I'm just too comfortable with what's going on. Honestly, I don't need a challenge... I'm fine with being comfortable. I'm boring, I know.

RAH, RAH, RAH.

~♥

Life is good...

When I feel like things are in my reach... -.-

~♥

Someone I once knew.

She wasn't born anorexic, but nowadays she suffers,
staring at these half-naked stars on magazine covers.
feeling pressured by the public.
She only weighs 90 pounds but still sucks in her stomach.
On the inside she's dieing, lying to herself, thinking:
- 5 more pounds won't jeopardize my health.
One day she might just collapse, she can't avoid it.
Too many sleepless nights spent bent over a toilet.
Spewing vomit, like she was an alcoholic.
Praying to a God she never believed in to stop it.
Hasn't eaten in weeks, drinks water by the heaps.
Now she looks like the skeleton she sees in her closet.
So close to death she can taste it, body looks wasted.
Hates life, hates you, hates the way she looks naked.
Now she's feeling drowsy, lousy,
thinking maybe this world's better off without me

I'm so sorry for all that I've done,
I'm so sorry for what I've become.
I'm so sorry, so sorry for wasting your time,
I can't hold you back 'cuz I'm losing my mind.
I'm so sorry for all that I've done,
I'm so sorry for what I've become.
I'm so sorry, so sorry for wasting your time,
I can't hold you back 'cuz I'm losing my mind.

I'm so sorry...

Overwhelmed.

I'm plagued with overwhelming thoughts...

Many of which consist of years of conflicting emotions about myself... :\

I'm insecure.

I'm frustrated.

I'm angry.

I'm sad.

I'm depressed.

I'm glad.

I'm grateful.

I'm selfish.

I'm mean.

I'm crazy.

I'm annoyed.

I'm satisfied.

I'm doubtful.

I'm uncomfortable.

I'm undoubtedly overwhelmed. :(

Every day there are these emotions and many more that rush through me but yet... I still have a stupid smile on my face. I'm pissed at myself for letting it become a habit.

On another note. I've always had this issue... Well more so in the past six years... I despise the way I look. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not tall enough, I have no boobs, I have no ass, I'm incapable of performing for my boy friend, I'm don't feel sexually attractive and I feel like I'm trapped in a prepubescent girl's body... This list can go on, but my mind is in a rut. :\

I pull at my skin... Hoping that it'll change... Hoping it'll be different... Hoping something good will happen to me... Waiting for a miracle that'll never happen.

Yet another upset...

He meowed at me.

I want to ask him soo bad.. But I know it'll just end up bad... :*(

It scarred me.

I can't help but to think about whether or not he's talking to another girl... I'm terrified.

My heart aches... :(