Is it wrong to enjoy pain?

I obviously cause pain to myself... And it makes me feel good...

I'm still really struggling with my eating disorder and when I'm feeling stressed it's the first thing to really show. I've been hovering around 100lbs lately and I dipped to 98/97ish last week. I'm out of control... I know. :\ I don't know how to get a hold of it... I've been better about it but that's only when I'm around Seth. I only really eat full meals when I'm with him and I nibble on stuff around my parents... :\ I know, I know, it's not good. At most I'll have two real meals a day which only happen on the weekend. So all together, I would eat approximately 4 full meals during a week. :( I eat nothing at work, I just survive on coffee and tea.

I don't know what I'm striving for... I'm doing this because.... I'm not sure. I'm not sure if it's because I feel ugly, fat or just stress. I really don't know any more. I know I'm thin, my bones stick out everywhere. When I sit down, I literally sit on my ass bones... That's what I feel when I sit... And my chest is even smaller now.. I was barely an A-cup and now I'm less than that... That's really embarrassing. (not that I ever had a chest to begin with) :*(

It could be worse if I added running back into my life... I'm too weak to run... Thank god..

I'm lost inside. I ache for an answer to these problem... Yet my answer is in my hands.

♥

*Sighs*

I want to get married... :*(

Some day... I guess.

♥

Off for the day.

I called out sick b/c I've been sick to my stomach for the past few days... I ate something bad :( Not the best feeling. PLUS I've been having headaches really bad all week and yesterday was a taking it over the top.


Just got back home from a nice walk with mom. Just chatted about random stuff and enjoyed the freakishly warm weather... o.O Now I'm just waiting to for Seth to come home from work.. Might go out to dinner... I'm not sure yet b/c my stomach is still funky and I'm not sure if he wants to today or another day.


*yawns* I think it's time for a cat nap :3

♥