All eyes on me...

The idiot.

I feel like an idiot, moron, jackass, dumbass, lame, a loser... Etc..

It's been bothering me since. And I don't think it'll go away... I don't even think it'll go away when he asks me. It's almost like I want to say no to him if he ever asks me.. So I can make him feel like the way I did. :\ It's stupid and irrational but it's how I feel right now. I'm disappointed and sad. I'm depressed about it.

To make things worse... On Halloween, Seth and I went to his good friend's place to hangout and have dinner. His friend Andrea asked us if Seth and I ever thought about marriage. I wanted to say everything but yet everything in my head just disappointed me. I told them that I asked him and had a whole plan of having the ceremony in Hawaii... Andrea was in awe. I don't think Seth ever wants to hear about those things.. :\ I get these feelings when I think about it.. And I'm sure they are dead on. Then they asked if we were going to have kids or whatever... The whole package that comes along with those types of questions... :\

So last night I had a breakdown... I don't know what I was thinking.. Maybe it was just too much for me when they asked about Seth and I... I want to forget about that day I asked him. :(

I HATE MYSELF for that.
I do.

And this morning... When he was getting ready to leave and making his coffee... I hugged him and whispered to him,"Happy 17 months." He hessitated just a couple of seconds and then processed that it was our anniversary. Hense.. Why I had been asking if he wanted to take the time off since he had been having a long week.. And I thought he might like to take today off and spend it with me.. But that didn't register till this morning. So too late for me. :( Once again, I feel like a jackass.

Shoot me.

~♥