Ana had me at hello.

There are days I feel like I've over come my eating disorder and there are days I feel like it's still got my literally by the throat. I can't lie and say I'm totally free because I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be totally free from it.

Like today... I was doing fine till I woke up with a small hunger pain... So I ate a couple of hard boiled eggs.. I immediately felt guilty. Why? I have no idea why. And days like this throw me off because I don't look at the nutritional labels on food for a reason... For the mere fact it drove me to insanity. I've gotten better and it doesn't bother me as bad any more. When I'm hungry... I eat. When I crave something, I buy it or make it and eat it. No fuss. But there are the days I feel guilty over the smallest things that didn't and haven't been bothering me for a while, but just all of sudden...

And this sucks because it starts an avalanche...

I did something I haven't done in a while and was not proud or happy about it at all... I binged a little and then purged. :( Once it gets this far... I feel like sometime I can't get out of it. I makes me nervous because I've been doing soo well. :\ I'm trying soo hard not to let it get to me but it's like a drug to me. Once I have it, just a taste of it... I want to do it more. :\

I get by everyday eating about one meal. Not much... I know I limit myself to that much because most of the day I'm filling myself up with liquids so I won't eat anything.. Then I wait till I get home and just have dinner. It's not good... I know. But at least I'm eating something. I use to eat nothing for days.. Even weeks. Just liquids. At my lowest point, I was scared of drinking water because it would give me water weight :( Stupid but true. I'm obviously not doing as bad, but it's still there. I feel like when things get too stressful, I resort to doing this almost immediately because it feels like it's the only thing that I can control in my life. (even though I'm not in control) Ugh. This sucks. I don't want to fight with myself again... But it always ends up that way. I can never get a break. Once things get good.. There's always something that comes back to haunt me.

Rawr.

♥

I love the little things he does :)

He made my day by coming by and visiting me. Someone knocked at my door and I had no idea who would be coming over at 1:30pm on a Monday.. o.O I didn't invite anyone, but as soon as I heard my brother say, "What's up Seth?" My day just got sooo much better :) I ran to the door and gave him a big hug :) I didn't expect him at all since he was supposed to be in Santa Rosa for two nights for work. But because of a mix up with some work tools... He had to pay a visit to a few local stores... And the great guy he is, he decided to surprise me and visit :) I bought him lunch and spent a little time with him. I feel soo good and loved. =^.^=

But.....

Seth hasn't been having the best time at work.. Well never does. He always feels like he gets the most shit from his boss than anyone else. That sucks, especially because I know what it's like working with his boss. :\ Like this work week, he has to take care of the technical stuff because the lead tech is away on vacation till tomorrow night. And so there was a mix up about where the lead functionality tech's (LFT) tools are and they are no where to be found. Seth needs those tools to do his job tonight but there was no way of doing it because he couldn't find them. He called and went to stores out of his way to look for them. Ofcourse the LFT is on hiatus, so he doesn't want anyone bothering him, understood. But this just sucks for Seth because there's no way he can get a hold of the LFT to get an idea where the tools might be. Seth has been up over 24 hours now and had to settle with buying the tools. The tools cost $200+, and this is just to save himself from getting shit from his boss. He gets enough already. I hope his night goes well.

He's such a good and honest man. I love him.

♥

My heart aches.

This happened on the Sunday that Seth came back home...

It was about mid-day. I had to use the restroom and I thought about bringing my cellphone in the restroom because we text each other sometimes if we're in there for #2. -.- So I grabbed my cellphone and went to the bathroom. When I got there I saw his phone sitting on the magazines. So I obviously couldn't text him. I thought I'd check his phone and see if he got all the pictures I took and sent to him while he was away...

...And to my surprise in his text message inbox I find these odd looking texts. These texts aren't from a phone.. They showed up as numbers as the subject.. And when I opened them up they were actually instant messages. These messages were from a girl. A girl that apparently has some feelings towards him. :\ The things she said to him make me cringe. My heart dropped and I started to hyperventilate. I read all of the messages, from what I could remember... There were four messages. I finished what I was doing and immediately went to him in the kitchen where he was cooking a late lunch\dinner for him and I. I asked him as calmly and collected as I could. The look on his face made me cry. I couldn't hold myself together. I fell apart. I felt like everything was a lie. My heart was crushed and all I can feel was emptiness. I didn't know what to think of it... Of him. Of the situtation.

Was I asking for it for looking through his phone?
Did I drive him to do that?
Am I not good enough for him?

All kinds of questions rushed through my head... I didn't know what to do other than to cry. Everything made no sense, I was coming undone the more I thought about it. He was standing infront of me, he wanted to console me, but I stepped away because I was hurt. I was hurt bad.

From that moment on, till now... My heart still aches. To think about him talking to another girl... And that girl talking to him as if she was his... My heart is no longer empty, it's filled with rage and anger. He's my man. I love him, I care about him, I asked him to marry me. He's mine.

All the effort I put into the relationship was not going to go to waste over some bitch that thinks she can get away with my man. Fuck no. The whole week he was gone for Hawaii, I tried soo hard to not lose my mind, and I think I did amazing. I wasn't in the best shape but I didn't lose my mind. I did what I could to distract myself and cope with the feeling of being alone... All that effort was not going to wasted... It was worth that much pain if I want us to work.

I told him, I was deeply hurt. We talked it out, and I don't hold it against him, but it did some permanent damage on me. No lie. From this day on... It hurts.. Still feels like that night... But I'm willing to push it aside and make the best of what I have because he tells me he loves me, I know he does. I feel it. I trust it. I trust him. I love him.

None of it would be worth it if I don't follow my heart.
I will marry this man some day.

♥

If there was a word...

That could explain how I feel now... It would be good.

After that week of pure chaos and misunderstanding, Seth and I have made a huge effort to really listen and understand each other. And this means a lot. I cannot explain how much stress it relieves from me knowing that he and I can sit down and talk to each other. It may not be a whole lot of talking, but it's something. Something is better than nothing.

There were a few bumps here and there, but they're all worth working through.

♥

Why I love him.

For the longest time I felt like I'd never be happy again. There were nights I'd cry myself to sleep because I was almost certain I'd die soon. My life wasn't the best for quite a while... I lost lots of friends, I've been cheated on, I've been verbal, physically and emotionally abused by a boyfriend, and I've been suffering from anorexia and bulimia as well as other psychological things. I had it rough, not like others but to the point I felt like it'd be better if I just ended it so the people that loved me and I wouldn't have to suffer any more.

Those days are 70% over. I've learned, grown and made huge life changes to get through a majority of my issues. I was never alone in this, nor was I forced. I have my family that loves and cares about me... And now, I finally met a man I feel has the patience for me and wants to help me through this.. Instead of taking advantage or using me for other motives.

He makes me feel like I can do anything and that I have hope. He gives me this almost supernatural feeling when it comes to fighting off unwanted feelings and emotions. I feel invinsable because he has faith in me. I'd do anything for this man and I never felt so alive and good about myself. I'm ready to take on the world.

♥

Takes a lot out of me...

It's not easy living my life. I may not have a lot going or it may not seem like it. But I have a whole lot of psychological issues that have put a damper on me almost on a day to day basis. I don't regret anything I did or didn't do. It was worth the pain and suffer because otherwise I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I'm going to finish this later... Writters block.

♥

Argument free: Day 2

I want to say this is good, but I don't feel good about any of this.. It's still making me physically feel shitty. It gets me like a knife. Just a quick stab in the stomach when I don't expect it.

I feel the same. Indifferent. Oh so help me...

♥